First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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