Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
