tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
