The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
