my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
