My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
