it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
