so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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