you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
