Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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