Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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