1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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