i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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