The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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