farters have to be the big spoon...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
