You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
