I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
