she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
