Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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