I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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