someone get that fucking seahorse.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
