I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
