Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize