rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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