cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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