I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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