Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
