My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
