Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize