i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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