i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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