I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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