thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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