When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
