thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
