Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
