dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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