I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize