What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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