I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
