Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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