I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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