and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize