i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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