They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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