It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
