the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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