hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize