I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Randomize
