I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
This house was built for laser tag.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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