For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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