I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize