Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
