I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
