you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
