Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
