Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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