we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
