I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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