How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
