i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize