Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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