I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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