it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
