I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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