I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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