I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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