I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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