Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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