The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
