I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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