just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
