So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
