someone threw a dead crab at me
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
my vag is so smooth its legendary
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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